The Bear Family Begins

I was living in New York in the late 1980s, working as a live-in nanny. It was great work if you liked the family and miserable if you didn't. The gig was this: they pay all the bills (rent/phone/food/etc) pay you each week (not a lot, again everything was paid for though) & give you 2 days off (usually Sunday & Monday). You were responsible for the children and usually housework in addition to meal prep. Again great deal if you liked the family, I lucked out with my first and third families and still keep in touch with them. I hated to leave NY because that was the place I found myself, however, I wanted a family of my own and I had not been able to figure a way to stay in NY. January 1990 I moved back home to Texas and got a job as a cocktail waitress and met a man with the bluest eyes I had ever seen.

Papa Bear

His hair was longish and blonde, his eyes were blue, he was slim and not my type at all and so of course I had no choice but to fall in love on the spot. He was so beautiful like something truly created by God! We would talk casually at work, I would put my best flirt on, he would just pass me by. Devastated I talked to my mother and sister about him. I should mention at this juncture that I live in a small town and look very similar to my mom and dad, depending on who you meet first since I lost my father when I was 8... well you understand. I was devastated by my father's death, he was everything to me and I was so young and it happened so fast. He drowned you see, he was in a manmade lake and nobody knows exactly what happened except one minute he was here and the next minute not. God needed a new Angel. Back to my story, I was bemoaning my sad love life and my mother piped up with "Oh yeah I know him, he looks just like your father Tanya". First of all, I knew what my father looked like thankyouverymuch, and second, how could she already know my one and only??? I was heartbroken. Since coming back from NY things had fallen back to "Are you related to..." yes, she's my mom. My eyes would roll so hard I thought they might never be the same, of course, I was only 22 so please don't judge me too harshly hahaha. One night I saw my One and I could tell something was troubling him and asked what was wrong he said "Nothing, I'm just melancholy" Oof!!!

Baby Bear

Melancholy... are you kidding me?! The rest of these mouth-breathers would have said they were "sad" or looked at my boobs and said something else but he was melancholy. I saw him the next day, in a dark bar in the middle of the afternoon. I grabbed him by his Mexican poncho and told him I had had enough and he was taking me out the next night. I've always had men around me so I have never doubted myself when it comes to men; however, I had a date THAT night so he couldn't take me out that Thursday the 12th. Oh, he showed up anyway. I had to work so the man could only take me to a jazz bar and, since we worked together, he knew where we were going. My date didn't carry any harsh feelings, he could tell we were meant to be. So, Friday the 13th we tempted fate and went out after work. It wasn't an official date... Since he knew my mom and we were such a perfect fit he moved what few things he had in with me that weekend. His birthday was just a few days after that and I got him A DOG! Yes, I do know that you are howling, I was 22. We named the dog Baby, Baby Bear and so the Bear family came to be.

Mama Bear

That weekend he was moving in, since I didn't have a phone yet I would go to my mom's. She kept telling me my friend, the last lady I worked for in NY, kept calling and wanted me to call back. This was in the 1990s remember, back before cell phones, if somebody called and you were not home you went about your day without knowing someone had called until you got home. I would call her back and inevitably get her machine. We just kept missing each other until Monday, I was finally off from work and my beau was at work so I had a chance to talk about him uninterrupted. My girlfriend called and I talked without taking a breath for maybe five minutes before noticing I had not asked why she had been calling. She told me it didn't matter any longer, she had been calling to get me to come back to NY. She would pay for my ticket and pay for my education to become a paralegal, she's a lawyer, however, I was happy now in TX so it didn't matter. That weekend changed my life and I have always wondered what would have happened if I had received her call before Monday. Actually, I do not have to wonder. I love TX, just not the town where I live and NY is where my soul lives! I would have RUN back to NY if I had known there was an opportunity, fate had other ideas. Our first date was in April, we were married in July, and our son was born prematurely the following January.

January 7th

Today is my son's 31st birthday. It's his first birthday without his best friend and father. That means today is not about me and I cannot be sad if he is callous or standoffish to my offer of cooking him dinner tonight. I have to keep reminding myself that he is still a hunter and meat-eater, he didn't become a vegetarian when his father passed like I did. I miss my ex-husband so much I feel like I might be sick most days... I still can't talk about what happened to him heck I can't even type it right now without breaking down. Today is not about me. It's about my son. I am an empath, which just means I feel things very deeply and I can feel what other people are feeling. Many times empaths are portrayed in movies as mind-readers or some such, more like readers of emotions. I can tell you if somebody is lying about how they feel, not about if they killed the Black Dahlia, that's just in the movies hahaha. My son keeps his anger about his world cloaked about him like Harry Potter's cloak of invisibility. It vibrates off of him at times though and he knows I can feel it so he prefers to see me on holidays and send his children to me especially when they need an attitude adjustment. They can't get past Gaga. The vibrating anger and need to be away from me makes things difficult. See, he's his mother's son in so many ways, he is also an empath. When he knows I am doing my best to control my emotions and he is doing his best well... 💥💥💥

One of our grandsons was born on January 4th, the first time we met him was January 7th. His eyes are bluer than I have ever seen. His hair is so blonde and he looks just like his father. Hopefully, someday he will meet somebody who thinks he was created by God just for them. I know that's what his Papa would want for him too. Happy Birthday little Boo Bear ❤

 

The Journey Begins

I guess you could say I have always been on the path to becoming a vegetarian, isn't that what life is one long path?! My son, my oldest child of two, has teased me I would end up a vegetarian eventually ever since I discovered the Planet Earth documentaries. Ok, that might need some explanation... I stopped eating fish after watching quite a few nature documentaries about how the oceans are overfished. Also about how they live, it is disgusting! No thank you, I don't care how good you smell blackened shrimp. 😆 That left chicken, pork, and beef; I am southern, I grew up in Texas and Oklahoma we eat meat. Until I got the phone call.

The Sun Ain't Gonna Shine Anymore

Thanksgiving 2021 weekend I was with my best friend/adopted daughter and her son, my grandson. My son and grandsons and ex-husband always go hunting on Thanksgiving weekend with my ex-husband's family, if my daughter was in town she would be with them. For this reason, I generally spend Thanksgiving alone with a Doctor Who marathon, bowties are cool 😉. My friend had to work most of the holiday weekend, bonus extra time with my grandson, and we will be lazy on Sunday. I decided I was going to make Posole and let my grandson help in the kitchen, I am a big advocate of getting kids in the kitchen as early as possible and letting them smell, taste, feel everything you are doing. We made the Posole, a hominy stew with tomatoes, and added cabbage, and chicken but my grandson said it was a little too spicy for him. Sunday morning my daughter and I are finally catching up, being lazy when the phone call shattered my life. I've read before where writers say "the sound of the phone shattered the silence" etc... this call changed my life forever.

The Tears Are Always Clouding Your Eyes

Music is my love language. It's how I communicate, how I understand the world around me. The lyrics I have been quoting are from a very old song called The Sun Ain't Gonna Shine Anymore by The Walker Brothers. It was probably released before I was born but I heard it in the movie Truly, Madly, Deeply. Released before Ghost and starring Alan Rickman it is essentially the British movie that Ghost desperately wanted to be. Yes, I am brutally honest and yes I still love Patrick Swayze. My ex-husband and I saw TMD in a Blockbuster and rented the VHS tape. It became our movie. We saw a wonderful picture of Hume Cronyn and Jessica Tandy on a beach and immediately decided that would be us someday. 

My son was on the other end of the phone that Sunday morning. He asked me if I could talk. This always annoys me because I don't like it when other people answer the phone when they can't answer the phone. His voice let me know not to give him a smart-ass answer. His voice sounded dangerous and contained at the same time. He told me to sit down. He said, "Dad is dead".

No More Smiles

I don't know how the phone call ended. I hope I kept it together for him, as his mother since he had just lost his father and his children were there too. I may have put my friend on the phone, they are good friends and their children have known each other all their lives. My body, when in shock, might look like I am functioning but I'm not and so I do not know what happened on the phone call or any of the days that followed. I loved my ex-husband, everyone in my family did. We obviously didn't have a "normal" divorce. I do know when I got off the phone my friend, being a Russian mom, wanted to feed me. All I could think was "If I eat anything that isn't liquid I won't be able to breathe" So I stopped eating. My friends would make food and call me to eat and I would politely decline and tell them I wasn't hungry.

I had been drinking water and had been on an Intermittent Fasting diet for nearly a year, not eating and just drinking Ensure shakes once or twice a day was really easy. If you are unfamiliar with Intermittent Fasting I will post some information and a link to some info. I am new to this so bear with me.

Coming Out of the Dark

As I have said previously, I am not a nutritionist or physician. I also knew I wasn't bulimic or anorexic. Like most people, I had a REALLY bad 2021 and when I lost my Hume... it is still too much. I am hoping this blog will help me and also help others who need to get over 2021. I am hoping this blog will reach some vegetarians who can come on board and help me find quick easy veggie recipes that aren't just tearing up lettuce now pour on salad dressing hahaha. I actually do have a few recipes for you already!! Did you know that sugar is vegetarian?! 

Back to the story of why I am a "Fortunate Vegetarian". Well, words do have magic and there are no coincidences in the universe. Several months ago, while placing my Walmart grocery delivery (I am chronically ill and homebound and Walmart is a Godsend) for some reason I ordered about 10 packs of Ensure meal replacement shakes, I keep them around because I'm not really able to do a lot of cooking and they fill in nicely. When everything happened around Thanksgiving I was all set. 

be good to yourself and I hope to see you again